Sometimes its hard.

I'm having a hard time.  In fact, I haven't wanted to write.  Blog posts have been a struggle for me lately.  Normally its something I enjoy doing.  I have these awesome-fantastic-wonderful-creative-genius little kids and I want to brag on them.  Occasionally I add a little tid-bit here and there that is not kid related.  I sometimes vent on my blog (well, not so much on this one but I did it on my old one once or twice).  Anyway, writing has always been very cathartic for me.  Its my release.  But, lately, I just haven't wanted to.  Sometimes life is hard and I just don't know what to say.  Today I want to write, so here goes.

Right after Christmas I heard some really, really bad news.  I found out that the mom of a precious little girl in my son's second grade class was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  She's in her early 40s and has a second grader, a fifth grader and a sixth grader. The prognosis is not good.  I don't know this woman well, only enough to say hello in passing and have a little chat about how my oldest and her youngest are doing. She's told me on multiple occasions, "Your son is hilarious, he makes me laugh out loud!" Anyone who tells me that gets an A+ in my book.  I'm trying not to focus on me and how scary this is and how this is going to make me feel.  I'm thinking about my kid.  My eight year old little kid. We go to this small private school. There are only two classes in every grade level with 17-19 kids in each class.  These kids are really close and will continue to be close. He spends every day with this little girl who is about to lose her mommy and my heart is just ripping apart.  The three months she was given to live have passed and from what I hear she's doing very poorly.  I told my husband on Sunday, "She's still hanging on."  And he said, "Wouldn't you be too?"

Same topic, different person.  My best friend has cancer.  Brain cancer.  My best friend since the fifth grade--- that I walked home with every day after school with, who house I had my first sleepover at, who was the first person I told I'd kissed a boy, who held my hand through high school break-ups, whose neck I cried into after high school graduation, who held me up high during the year the Hubs and I spent apart in college, who forgave me when I let us grow apart when I went away to college, whose hand I held when she found out her third baby was actually going to be a third and a fourth baby (while I laughed hysterically and finally got her to laugh about it too), who sat with me in a lab at the hospital and held my hand while I had blood-work done during a miscarriage, and who was the first person I told when I was expecting again--- has brain cancer.  Why?  Why? I'm scared.  I'm scared for her and for me and for every little thing in between.  Thank goodness, on this topic I can say that the prognosis is good. But, its going to be a long, hard road.

So, I sort of feel a little turned upside down right now.  I'm trying to be strong but feel like I fail daily.  I'm short with my kids.  I'm irritable.  I don't think I'm being the wife and mother that I need to be, which makes me really mad at myself because the things I have mentioned above show me that I only get one shot at this.  Sometimes, its hard. But you better believe that I'm going to be there for my kid and my best friend.  God didn't promise us this life would be easy, and I'm ok with that.  I'm going to pick myself up and do the very best that I can today and continue to do so from now on. Writing session is over, tears are streaming down my face, and I feel like a weight has been lifted.  Thanks be to God.